Tag Archives: brene brown

COL684: LoR: Attachment

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Jeff and Gary welcome back Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke for another discussion and this time they get attached to the subject. From being anxious to feeling confident, there’s much to learn. Are you one of the four in ten that might have insecure attachment?

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Landscape of Relationships: Attachment [impermanence, neediness, and security]

How you ever heard someone classify someone or themselves as being “clingy”, “co-dependent”, “needy”, “dramatic” or “closed off”, “emotionally unavailable”, and “allergic to drama” or that they have “attachment issues”?  This is WAY more common than you think it is.  Approximately 40 percent of people have an insecure attachment of some form. 

John Bowlby described attachment as the everlasting psychological connection between human beings. 

  • We are born to create emotional bonds with caregivers.
  • Those who had attachments to caregivers were more likely to receive comfort and protection and survive into adulthood.
  • Primary caregivers providing a sense of security is the central theme of attachment theory.

Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work.

  • “Strange situation” study connected attachment to behavior with toddlers and their mothers 
  • Secure attachment, ambivalent-insecure attachment, avoidant-insecure attachment 

Main (dissertation student of Ainsworth) and Solomon added disorganized-insecure attachment based on their research.  

Traits of Anxious-insecure attachment 

  • Responsive towards partners needs but insecure about their own worth in a relationship 
  • Blames sense for rejection 
  • Reassurance of their own worth and love.

Traits of Avoidant-insecure attachment 

  • Independent, social, high self-esteem 
  • Social interactions and relationships remain on the surface
  • Avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy 
  • Feel they do not need emotional intimacy 

Traits of Disorganized-Insecure attachment 

  • Perpetually waiting for rejection, disappointment, and hurt 
  • Truly want closeness and intimacy; but afraid of it.
  • Self-fulfilling prophecy

Traits of a Secure Relationship 

  • Able to identify and regulate emotions within a relationship 
  • Strong goal oriented behavior in a relationship 
  • Able to bond and trust others

For gay men and other queer individuals, their socio-sexual identity development from childhood to adulthood might have an impact on their attachment (prototype model of attachment)

  • Having a secure caregiver support you when you are rejected by your peers will help maintain your secure attachment 
  • Having a previously secure caregiver reject you during that process has the potential to create an anxious or avoidant style.
  • Having secure peer support after an insecure childhood has the potential to transition to a secure attachment.
  • Having an insecure attachment with caregiver growing up will likely have negative experiences with sexual identity development (e.g. shame,internalized homophobia et al.,  lack of disclosure to family) and in some populations create an expectation of being rejected.

Bear community 

  • Two stigmatized identifies (fat and queer)
  • Feeling rejected by the peer group who SHOULD accept me (potential for double insecure attachment)
  • Being welcomed into the Bear community could help transition to secure attachment 

BUT…..this is a two-step process.

Attachment is not just interpersonal but also intrapersonal, meaning within ourselves.

  • Mindfulness as a practice has been helpful in learning and practicing differentiation of self in relationship with others.
  • If we are able to accept and show compassion towards ourselves we can stand on our own and learn to create our OWN narratives rather than relying on the narratives of others.  

Here are some good ways to work towards secure attachment with others and ourselves

  • Self-awareness and accountability
    • If you are someone with an insecure attachment, it is your responsibility to take ownership for that and know what to do..  What are the beliefs you have about relationships and yourself?  What do we need to ask for from others that is reasonable and within their control? And when you get it, notice it, name it, normalize it, remind yourself the purpose of why that was important, and appreciate that action that was taken.  This will help you be mindful and aware of it in the future.  
  • Communicate
    • Communicate your thoughts, feelings, and needs with others openly and honestly. 
    • Two-way street.  Listening is part of the process too.
  • Practice intimacy 
    • David Schnarch said, “Intimacy is knowing who you are and letting someone else in on the secret.”  This requires us to go on a journey of self-discovery. We can’t expect others to write our story.
    • Get comfortable with being uncomfortable
    • It’s okay to be mysterious.  Not everyone needs to know everything about you in the first five minutes.  
    • Acknowledge and appreciate when others are practicing intimacy.  
  • Practice independence
    • Accept that you will struggle with this.  
    • Ask questions.  
    • Gage your willingness and boundaries and then seek support.  “I can do (this…this….this) but I need support on (this…this…this)”
    • Google is your friend.
    • CELEBRATE SUCCESS….to your close supports or your diary….the world sometimes won’t match your excitement.
  • Find secure people
    • Therapists are a good example of a secure attachment model (sometimes it will take a few burnt ones)
    • Who in your life has a secure attachment? Hang out with them.

References/Resources

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COL632: LoR: Goals & Accountability

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. In this episode, the guys come together in the new year to discuss goals and accountability. As many begin each year making new year’s resolutions that they often never keep,  listen in as Ed and the cubs break down the reasons why this may be a regular occurrence. From creating your goal roadmap to making yourself accountable for the roads you take, listen in as the guys give yet another perspective on the wandering journey of relationship building.

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Landscape of Relationships: Goals & Accountability

New Years resolutions

The Hobbit and LOTR “The Road Goes Ever On”

The Road goes ever on and on,

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.

  • Gotta know what “The Road” or our values are.  

Values List 

Four Domains 

  • Work/Education 
  • Relationships
  • Leisure 
  • Personal Health and Wellness 

Translating Values into Goals – “Be a mapmaker”

  • Chose three guiding values 
  • SMART goals (Specific, Meaningful, Adaptive, Realistic, Timely)
  • Immediate (24 hours), Short Term, Medium-Term goals, Long-Term goals
  • Living Goals vs Dead Person Goals
  • Make sure you are heading in the right direction.  Ex. downhill skiing
  • Expected barriers 

Accountability 

  • We are ultimately responsible for our actions 
  • We get to be accountable to the goals we set for ourselves and the map that we make.
  • Feelings, situations, emotions, urges, memories are going to happen.  Make sure you have the needed resources.
  • Be mindful of avoidance and unhelpful sticky thought patterns
  • Be willing to address unhelpful patterns
  • Remember: you can always change your course, but at what and whose expense?  Honor your values and your commitments 
  • Let someone know your goals and work towards shared accountability.
  • Feeling guilty?  Good. You have values. 
  • Remember, not all those who wander are lost. Keep going.  
  • Progress is not always a straight line.  

 

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COL628: LoR: In-Laws

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, the guys discuss the often dreaded in-laws. As media seems to make it seem that most straight couples have to deal with their in-laws and spouse’s families, the cubs review how this translates into the relationships of the LGBTQ+ community. Are they really that different or can similar tactics, communication and boundaries help ease the potential tension?

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Landscape of Relationships: In-Laws

Lots of research and media about how in-law relationships are really difficult.  That may be the case as some research out there says 3 out of 4 couples have difficult relationships with heterosexual in-laws.  Is that the case with same-sex relationships? 

Meeting the In-Laws

  1. Every family is different with a different rulebook that has been in creation for possibly generations.
  2. Possibility for conflictual interactions, difficult pasts, and crunchy presents.
  3. BOUNDARIES!!!!!
    1. Know your values
    2. Stay true to you.
  4. Brene Brown’s BRAVING…specifically the Generosity part.  
    1. Keep those conflict skills in check.

LGBT in-laws (2019) 400 interviews from children in law who identified as gay or lesbian.  Describe relationship with same sex in law parent.

  1. Many of those interviewed struggled with acceptance by one or both of their parents-in-law.
  2. Relationships usually improved with time
  3. While parents-in-law became increasingly accepting, there was often someone else in the family who was not accepting
  4. Acceptance by the mothers-in-law, according to the daughters-in-law, came as more of their friends and social circle either had children who were lesbian or gay, or their friends and social circle became more socially aware.
  5. Feelings of ambivalence toward family members are typical.

Be the subject of your life, not the object.  

  • You become an adult child the moment you set boundaries with your family (and in-laws).
  • What do YOU want to do with your partner in relation to each other’s families?
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COL624: LoR: Unfriending

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, the guys discuss the topic of unfriending. Whether it be friends, family or “framily”, there are situations which may require a need to remove people from your lives. Listen in as the cubs share some advice on when, how and who should be unfriended.

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Landscape of Relationships: Unfriending

  • Top 8
  • Close Friends
  • Feed
  • Limited Feed
  • Unfollow 
  • Block

ParentsMyCounselor article – Healthy Relationships with Adult Children 

  • This comes from a Christian counseling website  
  • Look at this like a checklist to see if you have them 
  • Setting expectations of how you are to be treated is HUGE.  
  • Check out the boundaries podcast 
  • Think of boundaries like the rules of D&D

FriendsPsychology Today: 13 Essential Traits of Good Friends 

This is a great article on using yourself as a reference point to assess your friendships with others. (If we want honesty from others we have to make sure we are honest.)

  • Advice my Mom gave me growing up that I didn’t always take, “stick with the winners.”  I have adapted it to, “Stay close to the ones who know where they are headed.” I don’t like the winners/losers dichotomy, but it has the same idea. 
  • Like D&D, be mindful about who you party with. 

Friends and Family – Personal Excellence article – Unsupportive People 

  • Don’t go to the hardware store for bread. 
  • Find out where the hardware store is.
  • If I’m out of life, unless I have someone on my party who has regeneration….I need to get it from someone else.
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COL609: Landscape of Relationships: Forgiveness

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this one, the guys continue the discussion from COL604 about apologies and move on to forgiveness. What is forgiveness? After apologizing, should you ask for forgiveness? Are there any benefits to forgiving someone? The cubs give their answers to these questions and more.

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Landscape of Relationships: Forgiveness

Last time we talked about apologies, and we started to talk about the process of forgiveness and how that can relate to the apology process.  

According to the 5 languages of apologies, requesting forgiveness is the last language….and I disagree.  I don’t think it is fair to request, assume, or expect someone to forgive you.  The responsibility lies on the person hearing the apology whether or not they want to forgive the situation….because at the end of the day, it isn’t really about that other person….it is about them.

So what is forgiveness?

“Forgiveness” is the act or process of forgiving or being forgiven.  And “forgive” means to end the resentment or anger felt towards another person, situation, or think for an offense, flaw, or mistake.  

Cultural idea that forgiveness is one of the greatest of virtues, the highest form of love, and necessity for good mental and physical health. This view says that forgiveness helps reduce stress, blood pressure, lowering risk of heart attacks, and other mental health concerns such as depression and anxiety.  

Studies have indicated that the benefits of forgiveness include lowered cholesterol, decreased risk of heart attacks, and other mental health concerns such as anxiety and depression.  

The problem with this model is that it gives the idea that forgiveness is the only path and if you don’t forgive an unapologetic person, then you are somehow less spiritual and more inclined to physical and emotional problems.  Rushing to forgive can have its own costs as psychologist Janis Abraahms Springs believes.  

In “Why Won’t You Apologize”, Harriet Lerner mentions that many of her clients are not necessarily looking to forgive someone but rather to be rid of the anger, bitterness, resentment, and pain.  They want to let go.  We don’t have to forgive in order to let go.  While for some people, seeking to forgive others may be the goal and an important part of their spiritual journey.  That is called radical forgiveness.  Studies indicate that forgiveness is important to a successful relationship.  

To go back to the health benefits of forgiveness…it is more the act of letting go of what you can’t control that is the most healing.  

Apologies should never be forced, demanded, or commanded.  “It’s been twenty years, why can’t you forgive him?”  

Forgiveness also isn’t all-or-nothing.  We can forgive someone 95 percent to 2 percent or anywhere in between.  It is up to you.  And that is powerful.  

Also….lets not forget self-forgiveness or self-compassion.  We are oftentimes our own worst enemy.  We need forgiveness just as much as other people….if not more.  

Final thing: You do not need to forgive a person who has hurt you in order to free yourself from the pain of negative emotions.  And it is no one else’s job to tell you to forgive…or not to. 

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