In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke for an in depth discussion on relationships. For this second part, the guys delve into boundaries and rules. With Edward’s help, the cubs discuss the similarities and differences between these two terms, how they relate to each person and those involved in the relationship, and also discord on the potential minefield of expectations. How do we set our boundaries? Are expectations a good or a bad thing? What’s on your relationship checklist? The guys hash out these questions and more.

Show Topic

The Landscape of Relationships – Boundaries and Rules

Boundaries (“I Will/I Won’t”) v. Rules/Agreements/Expectations (“You/We Won’t”)

• debated topic within relationship communities 
• Is this a rule or a boundary?
  • Boundary as skin metaphor (protects us from bacteria, allows the good stuff in and sweats the bad stuff out, elastic with limitations [you can break skin], boundaries are about me
  • Rules are about us and you, jealousy, usually some form of control 
• Pros and Cons of Rules 
  • Pros:
    • Contracts 
    • Establishing or Re-establishing solid foundation of connection and intimacy
    • Conditional…not unilateral or controlling
    • Spoken
  • Cons:
    • Can be Controlling
    • Can be rigid and unhealthy
    • Can be Set up to be broken 
    • Unspoken
• Agreements are similar to the idea of a relationship contract or vows 
• Expectations are resentments waiting to happen

Kinds of Personal Boundaries 

• Emotional 
  • Example: Don’t go to the hardware store for bread
• Physical
  • Examples: allergies, personal bubble, DON’T COME INTO MY ROOM, MOM!!!!
• Time
  • Examples: don’t make plans within 24 hours, I have office hours on Tuesdays
• Sexual
  • Examples: Consent, Refer to checklist
• Intellectual 
  • Examples: Agree to disagree, awareness of who and what you are talking about 
• Material 
  • Examples: Don’t lend out money, I need that sling back by Friday etc

Open-Relationship Checklist 

• Fill this out separately for you, not your partner 
  • Find out your boundaries first THEN discuss your partner’s THEN discuss how they overlap or don’t overlap

Review:

• Communication 
• Boundaries are like skin 
• You Don’t Have to Be In an Open Relationship to Discuss Boundaries!!!!!

Books:

• Opening Up 
• More Than Two 
• Ethical Slut
• The Jealousy Workbook

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